Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Cinema Soap Box

As anyone who is following me on Twitter or is friends with me on facebook might know, my wife and I recently went to see the new Reese Witherspoon movie This Means War. To say the very very least it was funny and entertaining albeit a bit predictable in the very end on the romantic comedy side of things. No worries though, I give it two thumbs up. Go see it. If I may continue to travel down tangent lane, there was also a trailer worthy of mention. There I sat watching the coming attractions with gleeful delight when the name Ridley Scott flashed across the screen. My excitement jumped quite a bit. A score provided by Marc Streitenfeld that was eerily reminiscent of Jerry Goldsmith's score from Alien started my heart throbbing and the exhilaration increased as the title began to appear in the same way Alien did in 1979. Further images of the derelict ship from which the Alien came in the film I’ve by this time connected this trailer to had me practically quivering with anticipation. Any science fiction film fanatic, general movie enthusiast, or all around geek (like me) should check out the trailer for Prometheus the prequel to (but not directly connected to) Alien.

Now let’s get up on the ol’ Cinema Soap Box. Before the movie and my favorite trailer, yet another trailer popped up that at first seemed to have promise. It showed dramatically stylized exciting images of what appeared to be a civil war action film. Kati and I were both very intrigued. That is until the title of the film appeared. Abraham Lincoln (so far so good) Vampire Hunter (Ah, I knew there was a catch).

The title Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter seems as needy and as stretched for ideas of a concept as films like Snakes on a Plane. Needless to say my hope for a good stylized Civil War action film was let down. However I was intrigued enough to do some reading and found that the movie is based on a novel. Awesome, most of the truly terrible vampire stories are based on books… *cought* Twilight. What I didn’t say Twilight, it’s weird that you read that? It must have been that guy over there that said it.

Anywho, the story is an epistolary novel (written as a series of documents) about the secret diaries of our sixteenth President, Abraham Lincoln. It depicts the gripping and incredibly historically inaccurate tale of how Lincoln’s grandfather and mother were killed by vampires and how he vowed to seek revenge on all vampires! I must apologize… my disappointment from the trailer has caused my suspention of disbelief to become quite un-willful. Moving on so Lincoln seeks revenge on the vampire that killed his loved ones and later is trained as a wrestler and vampire slayer by a good vampire. I’ll bet this good vampire sparkled in the sunlight too. *sigh*

So apparently as a young adult he witnessed his first slave auction and became an abolitionist. But wait! It had nothing to do with a farsighted, morally righteous decision to emancipate slaves nor did it have anything to do with him being pushed by black abolitionists and radical republicans to listen to his better angels. Oh no! He decided get behind the movement to end slavery because as long as vampires could buy slaves to feast on vampirism would continue to exist in the US. What a guy. So, the Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator began his political career whilst moonlighting as Buffy the Reputation Slayer. Later on Edgar Allan Poe shows up with the oh so helpful news that vampires are leaving Europe in droves and flocking to America in masses, why, because of the slave trade…ya know... because slavery didn’t exist anywhere else in the world at the time. Poe is later killed by a vampire.

This may be easier if I hit a few footnotes. So Stephen A. Douglas (of the Lincoln-Douglas debates) was backed by confederate vampires. Lincoln becomes President and the civil war begins. Apparently all vampires are confederates or all southerners are vampires (can’t figure that part out). The Emancipation Proclamation was meant to starve the vampires of their slave buffet. The war ends and the confederate vampires or all southerners run off to South America either to suck blood or party in Rio. John Wilkes Booth was a vampire (come on like we didn’t see that coming by this point). Apparently the confederate vampires who recently lost the war thanks to Lincoln shunned Booth for the assassination because apparently they had already discovered Barrow, Alaska and left this novel to be a part of a different book (Yay you’re a geek too if you got that reference). Also Willie Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, Elvis, Michael Jackson, and the dinosaurs were all killed by vampires.

In the end Lincoln attends Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous “I have a Dream Speech” in 1963. Apparently he was turned vampire and by extension immortal (after being rigidly opposed to the idea) by his vampire friend and trainer, Henry. So the story ends with the “Willing to Flip Flop on his Morals Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator” running off to Forks, Washington and fighting with a werewolf over an abnormally overconfident world weary sixteen year old girl who he eventually takes as a wife despite the vampire code that forbids it.

Sadly none of that was in the trailer. Probably why I initially thought it might be a good film. My recommendation… stay at home and watch Nosferatu, Dracula, 30 Days of Night, and Dracula Dead and Loving it. After that forget vampire movies exist and you’ll live a long happy life.

Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!