Okay so I belive it’s time to get back up on my Cinema Soap Box. Let’s begin shall we.
First a tip of the hat to 20th Century Fox for their decision not to compromise Prometheus after it got the R-rating. If you haven’t been keeping up the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) has been under the microscope whilst trying to determine whether Ridley Scott’s horror epic Prometheus would receive an R or PG-13 rating. Being as it’s a prequel/not-a-prequel to the Alien franchise I’m sure most fans (not unlike myself) were salivating at the thought of an epic horror summer blockbuster couched in the Alien universe with the oh so desirable R-rating. However there is an interesting and understandable dilemma taking place here.
Consider this, a huge epic blockbuster with stunning visuals and effects is not cheap to produce. A film like the Avengers that speaks to multiple generations and can have light hearted family moments as well as action and adventure (and that rakes in $207 million opening week) can easily return on the cost of making the film. A horror film speaks to a more limited audience. Then when it is restricted by an R-rating that audience shrinks further. According to IMDB Guillermo del Toro had an epic horror film in the works similar in style to Prometheus. The R-rating scared Fox into canceling the film as there was little chance raking in enough money to be productive. After Prometheus received it’s R-rating, however, Fox decided to stand by Ridly Scott (director or Alien, and Blade Runner) and not compromise the film for a better rating.
Let’s all take a minute to than Fox for this decision. Go ahead… tweet them @20thcenturyfox and remember to hash tag it #Prometheus and #JTR J
. Prometheus releases June 8, 2012 right around the time Avengers should be releasing their hold on the box office. And yes, after celebrating my one year anniversary with my lovely wife on June 11th, I will make it my mission to see Prometheus in theaters.
Speaking of the Avengers, I believe it’s really time to get up on my soap box. Now I’ve not seen the film yet although there is no shortage of news floating around about it. I’m kind of holding out to see Iron Man 2 first (I know, late to the game. Shut up and stop throwing rocks at me). Anyway as we all know the Avengers shattered box office records at $207 million opening week beating Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows by about $38 million. What I didn’t know is they did it without the help of the military.
Say what, JTR? Was the military was supposed to help?
Apparently the U.S. military has a Hollywood liaison that helps to cultivate a positive image of U.S. intelligence community and government in film. Huh, ya learn something new everyday. Why then would they not want to be involved in the Avengers? Apparently S.H.E.L.I.D. screwed it all up for everyone! Apparently the film doesn’t accurately depict certain aspects of the inner workings of the military. Cause I mean I’m sure they have an accurate plan of how things would work in the event of an alien invasion where involvement by super human heroes is needed. Beyond that our armed forces just wasn’t sure about that shady ambiguous (FICTIONAL) intelligence agency, S.H.E.I.L.D.. I mean what is their purpose and relationship towards the U.S. military and government? Are they a branch of the United States intelligence community or are they an independent organization? Why wouldn’t S.H.E.I.L.D. accept the military’s friend request on Facebook? Apparently being associated with this fictional agency in this fictional story (that was popular enough to gross over $200 million in 3 days) was just too risky.
But hey who wouldn’t pass up involvement in the most popular film of 2012 (and recent years) just to avoid being seen answering to forces other than the president or federal government in a fictional universe? After all, the actions of a fictional military in a film could be considered treasonous. Good thing are boys had the gumption to stand up to Sector Seven (Transformers) and to try and shoot down Iron Man (Iron Man, duh).
Oh well, the military will have plenty more time to not support the Avengers as Disney has green lit a sequel to the Avengers. Maybe if S.H.E.I.L.D. stays out of things Captain America 2 and Iron Man 3 can play with the military toys.
A’ight folks! That’s it for now! Enjoy the movies and let me know what you think of it all!
As is well established in a previous story of mine where I went toe to toe with the seven foot six hundred pound monster, Apollo Apocalypse, I have been a fan of professional wrestling for some time. Now we’ve come to that oh so magical time of year were WrestleMania is fast approaching. I’ve been to WrestleMania twice. First in Orlando at WrestleMania 24.
Then last year in Atlanta at WrestleMania 27...
Kinda makes you wonder how a staged stunt spectacular like professional wrestling became as big as all this. Hmm… let’s discuss.
A hundred years ago the most popular sport in America was baseball. Baseball was beginning to develop, and basketball & football were not yet on the national scene. Wrestling, at the time, was both more dignified and scientific than boxing. But it is not the as same today. How’d it get that way.
Wrestling is the oldest sport in the world next to running. The Egyptians enjoyed wrestling as did the Greeks and Romans from whom we got Greco-Roman wrestling and the violent no-holds-barred pankration which often ended in death. In Japan sumo wrestling is as old as the culture itself and in India wrestling was called the King of Games. Native Americans staged wrestling contests long before European settlers arrived. Then in the nineteenth century Irish immigrants settling in Vermont brought wrestling with them. It had been a popular way of settling disputes in Ireland for years (seeing as wrestling is a pretty easy style of combat even when you’re hammered). In the next fifty years Vermont cultivated wrestling talent that would spread the world over.
In 1901 a fellow by the name of George Hackenschmidt was the wrestling toast of Europe. People were standing in line three blocks deep when he sold out the London Opera house in 1904. This was one of the first times women began attending sporting events. Hackenschmidt’s series of matches against American champion Frank Gotch marked the high point of professional wrestling as a competitive sport and also the beginning of the end of it’s genuine competition.
After losing to Hackenschmidt, Gotch paid another wrestler to injure George in a training match and as a result Gotch won their second match. The public got wind of the deception and wrestling’s popularity suffered. Not to mention the slow matches went on way too long. People would show up at seven pm expecting to watch an hour of wrestling and would still be waiting for a man’s hand to be raised midnight. Five years later when Gotch retired wrestling as a competitive sport was for all intents and purposes dead.
However it’s entertainment life was just beginning. During the Civil War grappling was a great way for both sides to pass the time. The idea of professional wrestling as an entertainment began post Civil War as a matter of fact. Vets who had learned the sport in the camps took their talents home and wrestled for money in county and traveling fairs that toured America. These shows were operated by showmen and con-artists who had a greater interest in money than in sport. They dressed their wrestlers in colorful costumes and created elaborate back stories to create interest. By the turn of the century the carnies were coming into growing towns and cities setting up offices and carving out territories as wrestling. It was at the hands of these promoters that true competition was choked out of the sport.
The first WrestleMania took place on March 31st, 1985 in Madison Square Garden in New York. The main event pitted the team of Hulk Hogan and Mr. T against the team of Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff. The financial and critical success of the event cemented the then World Wrestling Federation as the top promotion in the US beating out such promotions as the National Wrestling Alliance and the American Wrestling Association. WrestleMania 2 came a year later and took place in three different cities. New York, Illinois, and California. All three venues hosted a number of match ups leading to the main event which saw WWF Champion Hulk Hogan defeat challenger King Kong Bundy in a steel cage match.
Even with all this success the panicle of the 1980s wrestling boom is considered to be WrestleMania 3. The entire state of Michigan was denied pay-per-view access to the event and people flocked to the Silverdome in masses setting a new indoor attendance record of the time at 93,173. Notable matches include the Intercontinental Championship match pitting Randy Savage against Ricky Steamboat as well as the iconic WWF Championship match in which champion Hulk Hogan lifted the 520 lb challenger Andre the Giant over his head and slammed him to the mat.
It was in the 90s that the WrestleMania first ventured out of the US. WrestleMania 6 took place in the Skydome in Toronto, Canada. In the main event The Ultimate Warrior defeated Hulk Hogan to become the new WWF Champion. WrestleMania 7 was moved from the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to the Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena for security reasons related to the Gulf War. It was here that the Undertaker made is WrestleMania debut defeating Jimmy Snuka to begin an unprecedented undefeated WrestleMania streak. The Daily Mirror, a British national tabloid newspaper, ranked this as the 7th greatest winning streak in sports history.
It wasn’t until WrestleMania 9 that the event was finally held in the outdoor venue. It also marked the first an only time the WWF Championship swapped twice during the event. Yokozuna defeated Bret Hart to become the champion only to turn around and lose it to Hulk Hogan. At WrestleMania X in Madison Square Garden Bret Hart was defeated by his brother Owen only to turn around and win the WWF Championship in the main event becoming the only man to do so. Also Razor Ramon took on Shawn Michaels in and iconic ladder match. The next year at WrestleMania 11 Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart went toe to toe in a 60-minute iron man match considered to be the best match in the history of the event. Shawn Michaels ended an emotional journey to win the WWF Championship title. At WrestleMania 13 Bret Hart and Steve Austin went toe to toe in a submissions match which earned much acclaim by the wrestling world. A year later at WM 14 an interesting situation had come about when Mike Tyson, the man billed as the Special Enforcer in the WM main event where Champion Shawn Michaels would be defending against Steve Austin, had joined with DX. However during the event Tyson revealed his alliances to lie with Austin. Steve Austin became the champion and ushered in the “Attitude Era” in WWF.
WrestleMania 15 marked the first of many epic WrestleMania encounters that took place between Steve Austin and The Rock. WrestleMania 2000 featured the first ever triangle latter match pitting the Hardy Boys against the Dudley Boys against Edge and Christian. This would lead to the very popular TLC matches in months to come as well as TLC 2 with the same teams at WM 17. WrestleMania 17 was the pinnacle of the 1990s Wrestling Boom as well as the pinnacle of the Attitude Era. It was also the first WrestleMania held after the dissolution of the companies largest rival, World Championship Wrestling. WrestleMania 18 was the last event to be produced under the WWF name and also saw The Rock defeating Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin defeating Scott Hall, and The Undertaker defeating Ric Flair all three matches pitting WWF superstars against former WWF stars who had been active in WCW. WrestleMania 19 saw Steve Austin’s last match to date when he faced the Rock for the third time also Shawn Michaels defeated Chris Jericho in his first WM match in five years.
WrestleMania 20 was the first produced under the World Wrestling Entertainment and saw the final match to date (until WM28 that is) of the Rock and the final matches in WWE of Bill Goldberg and Brock Lesnar whose match was officiated by Steve Austin. WrestleMania 21 saw the beginning of the Money in the Bank Ladder match which guaranteed the winner a contract for a WWE title match anytime within the year. It also featured a highly acclaimed match between Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle. WrestleMania 22 and 23 would see the continuance of the Money in the Bank ladder match as well as John Cena’s continued success as WWE Champion.
WrestleMania 24, my first WrestleMania, was the second to be held in an outdoor venue at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Florida. It saw the continued Money in the Bank match as well as the ECW Championship’s first WrestleMania defense where Kane won in a record 8 seconds. It also showcased boxing world champion Floyd Mayweather defeating the Big Show. Not to mention the highly acclaimed and incredibly emotional epic clash of Shawn Michaels against Ric Flair.
It was at WrestleMania 26 that Shawn Michaels career came to an end when he tried for the second year in a row to end the Undertaker’s legendary undefeated WrestleMania streak. Also Bret Hart returned to WWE. Over twelve years removed from the Montreal screw job incident Hart returned to WrestleMania to defeat Vince McMahone in a No-Holds-Barred match.
Last year at WrestleMania 27 where I was again in attendance, The Rock returned after seven years as host of WrestleMania. Trish Stratus returned as well. Triple H attempted to both end the Undertakers streak and avenge Shawn Michaels to no avail, Edge had his last match with WWE, and the Rock Saluted his many fans after laying out the Miz and John Cena in the main event.
This year things get intense with John Cena going against the Rock. The Rock is the epitome of entertainment and an icon in wrestling and Cena is the icon of wrestling for the new generation. It’s one generation versus the next. Meanwhile, while the generations take shots at each other, the last of the true greats are meeting as Triple H attempts for the second year in a row to end the Undertaker’s 19-0 WrestleMania winning streak with Shawn Michaels as special guest referee. There is a lot to look forward to but rather than me repeating the million’s of reviews going on before April 1st I’d rather just refer you to one.
A’ight folks… if it’s your cup of tea I hope you’ll tune in. If not I hope this brief history has been informative and perhaps a little intriguing. April 1st, Miami Florida, WrestleMania 28! I’ll be watching from my father’s house in Alabama!
So I recently saw the aforementioned movie. Now I must admit that when I first saw the big poster of Daniel Craig and saw his name along side Harrison Ford’s it tickled my interest in a way that left my interest very tired and wanting a drink of water afterward. However the title Cowboys & Aliens suddenly left my interest quite flaccid… I think this metaphor has crossed a line into a very terrible place. Moving on.
So Daniel Craig wakes up in the middle of the desert with iron on his wrist, a bloody scar on his abdomen, and a Swiss cheese memory rivaling that of Scott Bakula (Yay! Quantum Leap reference). Actually I’m not so sure Sam didn’t leap into Jake Lonergan’s (Dainel Craig’s) body for most of this film. His stronge silent type could be explained away as him listening to Al tell him what Ziggy thinks about the aliens attacking western settlers. Hmm… anyway we all know the iron on his wrist is an alien device. Stupid title and it’s damn spoilers. However the angry fellows who arrive on scene having freshly scalped some Indians think it’s a sure sign of his criminal activity and try to cash in. However he quickly dispatches and possibly kills all four men. Hmm… yea, this film is far divorced from Quantum Leap.
Daniel Craig quickly became my second favorite James Bond after Casino Royale and he continues to impress with his portrayal of tragic hero Jake Lonergan in Cowboys & Aliens. He’s too damn good at selling a punch as well as an emotion and it only helps that he’s acting along side the man that wrote the book on selling punches, Harrison Ford. That’s not to say Ford can’t sell an emotion but let’s be honest. Most people think Harrison Ford and think Indiana Jones and epic stunts and battles. However, Ford’s portrayal of grizzled and begrudging Civil War vet Woodrow Dolarhyde along side Craig’s mysterious outlaw searching for vindication and revenge is a partnership creating such real human drama that honestly I forgot at times I was watching a science fiction film. And to be quite honest this film could have easily become an awesome western film.
Lonergan arrives in town and breaks into the house of a county preacher who, after discovering Lonergan has no memory, decides to patch up his rather odd wound. Shortly there after the town saloon comes under fire by the town bully, Percy. He’s bullying the saloon owner and towns folk under the shelter of being son to colonel Dolarhyde. And there we have it. Small former mining camp under the icy grip of a powerful antigovernment war vet turned cattleman and his posse. Classic tale. I half expected Doc Holiday and the Wyatt Earp to show up and throw down against Harrison Ford at the OK Coral. Of course Ford would’ve smoke’em and changed the course of history.
I’m getting off topic. So Lonergan of course has no intention of bending to the spoiled brat and knees him in the pecker. When Lonergan turns to leave Percy tries to intimidate him and accidentally shoots a federal marshal. Whoops! Percy’s in trouble now no matter who papa is, and the plot thickens. Nothing turns the tide of a story quicker than pissing of the antagonist by sending his son to prison. Unfortunately the sheriff sees Lonergan’s picture on a wanted poster and we get the oh so sad news that our hero might be a villain! But there’s hope for us as the audience because he still doesn’t remember it. Yay! Sad face though because a young lady, who seems suspiciously interested in what we know is the alien weapon on Lonergan’s wrist, helps the sheriff catch Lonergan. Meanwhile mysterious white lights happen to incinerate half a herd of cattle belonging to Dolarhyde and he shows his sadistic torturing skills as he interrogates/punishes the one survivor. Understandably so the story of bright lights blowin’ up a man’s cattle sound to be the tale of a greenhorn whose been knockin’ back some shine. The news of Percy’s incarceration brings the interrogation to an unfortunate end. So the stage is set. Lonergan and Percy are in the coach heading for Santa Fe with Dolarhyde and posse barring down on them. The drama keeps coming! Turns out sheriff isn’t giving Percy up to dear ol’ dad and beyond that Dolarhyde recognizes Lonergan as the outlaw who robbed his stage coach and made off with his gold. Hooray for our assumed hero! At least he robbed the villain!
At this point we’ve come to the climax or at least midpoint of a good western adventure in about thirty minutes. This is where the extraterrestrial element is elegantly and classily introduced with soft mysterious music as the town notices the entrancing and peculiar lights approaching town in the still night air. Cue alien attack with scatted abductions.
As you can imagine this event turns the dynamic of the relationships between our established characters on it’s head. Suddenly our heroes have learned that Lonergan’s weapon is a weapon and they’re faced with the task of mounting a rescue for their lost friends and family by tracking the alien that escaped from the one ship Lonergan shot down with his alien weapon. I’d rather not spoil much more of the movie beyond this point. Suffice it to say it continues heavy on the western side but includes some iconic and classic alien film imagery. Not to mention there exists a subtle hint at the arguably greatest extraterrestrial horror film of all time Alien when our heroes take shelter from a night rain in an almost otherworldly overturned steamboat in the middle of the desert. Dolarhyde’s past begins to come to light and reveals his character to be less black and white and more human. As Lonergan begins to regain his memory we learn that his sins may be absolvable as he struggles with being a good man whose done bad things leading to tragic consequences. There also exists a quite compelling segregate parent story between Dolarhyde and his right hand man, Nat Colorado (Adam Beach).
As for the odd premise of cowboys interacting with aliens… consider this. A number of brilliant minds have explained a sort of paleo-contact theory. Basically certain artifacts have been found which are alleged to represent a higher technological knowledge than is to perceived to have existed at the times they were manufactured. Were they manufactured by aliens or humans who gained the necessary knowledge from aliens? If the ancient Egyptians had help building the pyramids from benevolent aliens why then is it such a stretch to believe more hostile aliens might have come in contact with western settlers in order to mine gold. As for how the premise stacks up as a film remember the western really has been merged with other genres for a long time. The iconography of the west has been borrowed and updated with science fiction by such favorites as Star Wars and cult sci-fi favorites as Fire Fly.
I’ll be honest, I was skeptic of the premise to begin with too. It felt a little pulpy and there was some pulp to it. However the very real human emotion couched in the western frontier period felt by the cowboys coupled with the classic horror thriller imagery and science fiction imagination conveyed in the aliens created a marriage whose outcome was an exciting and entertaining film. Also a shout out to Legacy Effects and ILM (literally the two best creature and special effects companies in the business) and to John Favreau’s direction. It may not be remembered as the best film of all time or of it’s release year, but if you want to watch an entertaining action adventure film I would definitely recommend it!
Suspend your disbelief and join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
So something you should know about me… for the better part of five years from 2000 to 2005 I was the head promoter for a backyard wrestling territory (which is a fancy way of saying I was a backyard wrestler or yarder). Yea, go ahead and do what judging you will and when you’re done we can all look back and laugh at and enjoy the stories I accumulated doing so.
In early 2001 I had just suffered a huge heart ache when my first real crush had proclaimed nothing would happen between us and that she and her family were moving to Texas at the end of the school year. At the time this was the end of the world. As such I had a weakened emotional state and as such was susceptible to contracting new habits. Now I had for a long time been opposed to the idea of Professional Wrestling. As a child I had watched such performers as the Undertaker, Hulk Hogan, and Jake “The Snake” Roberts and had enjoyed it immensely. However my mom had exposed the business for me by revealing that the matches in pro-wrestling have predetermined outcomes in order to heighten the entertainment value. You’re gonna make me say it aren’t you. Okay! It’s… fake. It was once kept highly secret that wrestling was staged but it is now a widely accepted open secret. However the true nature of the performances are not discussed by the promotion in order to sustain the willing suspension of disbelief. Having revealed this mass conspiracy to me my mom had turned something mildly interesting into something quite stupid. Fast forward to freshman year where I’m in the second stage of the Kübler-Ross Model (Five stages of Grief). I had skipped right by denial and gone straight to anger. It so happens that anger can be satiated by violence and despite it’s entertainment and (dare I say) artistic side Pro Wrestling is a violent passion play. My buddy Jerry was on hand with his wrestling video games to sooth my restless heart and, much to my mother’s chagrin, my pro wrestling fandom was returning.
So my journey as a yarder started with video games and evolved to video tapped wrestling matches on the trampoline (very dangerous do not attempt) and later became more serious when my grandfather and I actually built a ring. It turns out wrestling on a proper ring is much safer than on a trampoline. The Millbrook Wrestling Federation (MWF) became 2 eXtreme Wrestling (2XW) ended in 2005 and later became Elite Wrestling Federation (EWF) after I left. Look’em up on facebook, EWF Millbrook.
So in the final months of 2XW a friend of mine, Justin D. aka Borden, had brought along a family friend from church who had actually promoted indie groups before and was in line to do so again. He evaluated the young men who had carved their wrestling talent along side me and decided a hand full of us were worth something and of the handful two had a marketable look. Those two were David (Dave Century) and Justin B. (Mike Savage). So the two of them were invited along to perform at an actual independent wrestling promotion. I was unable to attend the first show they did but Jerry was there playing security. I made it to the second and despite my tiny stature I too played security. It was at their third show that I finally stepped in the ring myself.
So here we were in this tiny little gym. Folks were making there way in little by little. I was only there to support my boys but I did have my gear with me. David and Justin had fought one on one at both the previous shows. At the second one a masked fellow named Joy Killa had cost Justin his match. So on this night there was to be a tag match in which Century (David) would team with Joy Killa against Savage (Justin) and Showtime. Justin’s girlfriend (and my ex) Katrina and our friend Kevin were there in the crowd to watch. So I was backstage in the tiny hallway we were all crammed into talking to the promoter and the only actual name there. He was a big macho guy who wore a jump suit, colored flames on his head with magic marker, and called himself Death Row.
Now as it turns out another match on the card that night was a guy named Apollo Apocalypse who was supposed to have a squash match with an actual collegiate wrestler. Incase you don’t know a squash match is were one guy completely destroys the other guy with no real difficulty. As luck would have it the “real” wrestler wasn’t going to show so they offered the match to me. I was thrilled and ran out to my truck to grab my gear. There was a slight set back when I discovered I had locked my keys in my car but that situation was overcome and I headed back inside. As I walked into the tiny hallway/dressing room I looked up and at the end of the room there stood a seven foot, five hundred pound black man talking to the promoter.
“Hey, Brent,” says the promoter who is pointing at me, “That’s the guy you’re fighting tonight.” I walked right up to that leviathan, looked up into his eyes, and said, “I’ll try not to hurt ya.” He laughed and we became quick friends. Turns out he was one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever known.
Originally the segment was supposed to be, I come out and rag on pro wrestling as being a fix and that I’m a genuine athlete and I can beat anyone in the building. He comes down, choke slams me, splashes (jumps on) me, and wins. However after we got to talking a bit we discovered we all had ambitions of making this squash match more than it really was. Now the way we had things set up was the faces (good guys) were entering from the right left side of the gym and the heels (bad guys) were entering from the right. Apollo Apocalypse (Brent) had gone out into the crowd to sit with his family whilst he waited for the match. I was hanging out by the face entrance with the other guys. When the time came I ran around to the heel side to get ready. We happened to be an upper card match that night. Actually we were right before the main event. So as I stood there getting into character ol’ Death Row comes walking around bouncing like a Mexican jumping bean and telling me I better get squashed quick. I didn’t say anything since A. There’s kind of a hierarchal system in wrestling with names and vets at the top and yardie’s so far off the bottom it isn’t funny and B. He was kind of a big gorilla. But rest assure I was definatly thinking to myself where he couldn’t hear me, “I’ll get squashed in what time I want.”
My theme music (Raise Up by Saliva) hit and I marched out there head held high over the rest and proceeded to tell everyone wrestling was stupid and I could beat anyone in the building. There was one young lady in particular that seemed quite excited to see me get my ass kicked which meant I was doing my job quite well. When Apollo stood up in the back of the crowd and marched down to the ring the crowd was practically giddy with anticipation at the thought of me getting pounded. Of course I left the ring and tried to run away but the referee told me if I didn’t return I was fired. So I did and attempted to start the match with a knuckle lock. Of course he overpowered me and through me to the ground. So I tried to throw on a hammer lock. He flicked his arm and sent me flying across the ring. Finally I attempted a spear (tackle). I hit him like an egg against a brick wall. So after one last right hook with absolutely no affect, I leapt at the behemoth and was caught in a choke slam. The crowd popped and Apollo jumped up in the air bringing down every last pound on top of me. The bloodthirsty crowd cried out for more and I was met with yet another bone crushing splash. The referee helped me out with the crowd cheering at my misfortune. When I exited the gym Death Row was still bouncing around like frog. But when I got back around to where the other guys were I was met with gasps of shock and awe. No, I in fact was not injured and yes, I was in fact awesome. I had turned what was written as a squash match into a pretty successful segment.
Months later I was invited back by the same promoter to have an actual match again my buddy Mike Savage (Justin). We arrived to find the show had been canceled without notice. Truth be told the guy running the show was kind of unreliable. Anyway I had had my brush with performing for a large crowd and I was bitten by the bug. It lasted a month or two longer until the stress of running the 2XW shows got the better of me and I conspired with a few others to burn our ring to the ground. Oh, well time and tide I suppose.
As anyone who is following me on Twitter or is friends with me on facebook might know, my wife and I recently went to see the new Reese Witherspoon movie This Means War. To say the very very least it was funny and entertaining albeit a bit predictable in the very end on the romantic comedy side of things. No worries though, I give it two thumbs up. Go see it. If I may continue to travel down tangent lane, there was also a trailer worthy of mention. There I sat watching the coming attractions with gleeful delight when the name Ridley Scott flashed across the screen. My excitement jumped quite a bit. A score provided by Marc Streitenfeld that was eerily reminiscent of Jerry Goldsmith's score from Alien started my heart throbbing and the exhilaration increased as the title began to appear in the same way Alien did in 1979. Further images of the derelict ship from which the Alien came in the film I’ve by this time connected this trailer to had me practically quivering with anticipation. Any science fiction film fanatic, general movie enthusiast, or all around geek (like me) should check out the trailer for Prometheus the prequel to (but not directly connected to) Alien.
Now let’s get up on the ol’ Cinema Soap Box. Before the movie and my favorite trailer, yet another trailer popped up that at first seemed to have promise. It showed dramatically stylized exciting images of what appeared to be a civil war action film. Kati and I were both very intrigued. That is until the title of the film appeared. Abraham Lincoln (so far so good) Vampire Hunter (Ah, I knew there was a catch).
The title Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter seems as needy and as stretched for ideas of a concept as films like Snakes on a Plane. Needless to say my hope for a good stylized Civil War action film was let down. However I was intrigued enough to do some reading and found that the movie is based on a novel. Awesome, most of the truly terrible vampire stories are based on books… *cought* Twilight. What I didn’t say Twilight, it’s weird that you read that? It must have been that guy over there that said it.
Anywho, the story is an epistolary novel (written as a series of documents) about the secret diaries of our sixteenth President, Abraham Lincoln. It depicts the gripping and incredibly historically inaccurate tale of how Lincoln’s grandfather and mother were killed by vampires and how he vowed to seek revenge on all vampires! I must apologize… my disappointment from the trailer has caused my suspention of disbelief to become quite un-willful. Moving on so Lincoln seeks revenge on the vampire that killed his loved ones and later is trained as a wrestler and vampire slayer by a good vampire. I’ll bet this good vampire sparkled in the sunlight too. *sigh*
So apparently as a young adult he witnessed his first slave auction and became an abolitionist. But wait! It had nothing to do with a farsighted, morally righteous decision to emancipate slaves nor did it have anything to do with him being pushed by black abolitionists and radical republicans to listen to his better angels. Oh no! He decided get behind the movement to end slavery because as long as vampires could buy slaves to feast on vampirism would continue to exist in the US. What a guy. So, the Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator began his political career whilst moonlighting as Buffy the Reputation Slayer. Later on Edgar Allan Poe shows up with the oh so helpful news that vampires are leaving Europe in droves and flocking to America in masses, why, because of the slave trade…ya know... because slavery didn’t exist anywhere else in the world at the time. Poe is later killed by a vampire.
This may be easier if I hit a few footnotes. So Stephen A. Douglas (of the Lincoln-Douglas debates) was backed by confederate vampires. Lincoln becomes President and the civil war begins. Apparently all vampires are confederates or all southerners are vampires (can’t figure that part out). The Emancipation Proclamation was meant to starve the vampires of their slave buffet. The war ends and the confederate vampires or all southerners run off to South America either to suck blood or party in Rio. John Wilkes Booth was a vampire (come on like we didn’t see that coming by this point). Apparently the confederate vampires who recently lost the war thanks to Lincoln shunned Booth for the assassination because apparently they had already discovered Barrow, Alaska and left this novel to be a part of a different book (Yay you’re a geek too if you got that reference). Also Willie Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, Elvis, Michael Jackson, and the dinosaurs were all killed by vampires.
In the end Lincoln attends Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous “I have a Dream Speech” in 1963. Apparently he was turned vampire and by extension immortal (after being rigidly opposed to the idea) by his vampire friend and trainer, Henry. So the story ends with the “Willing to Flip Flop on his Morals Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator” running off to Forks, Washington and fighting with a werewolf over an abnormally overconfident world weary sixteen year old girl who he eventually takes as a wife despite the vampire code that forbids it.
Sadly none of that was in the trailer. Probably why I initially thought it might be a good film. My recommendation… stay at home and watch Nosferatu, Dracula, 30 Days of Night, and Dracula Dead and Loving it. After that forget vampire movies exist and you’ll live a long happy life.
Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
Who likes getting into trouble? I know I do! And there are so many ways of doing it. Some involve live alligators in convenient stores and others involve TP-ing a lime green VW Bug. The question you may be asking yourself is what the gosh darned heck does “drunken ice-cream cops” mean? I bet me starting with the question of who likes getting into (key word) trouble probably makes things all the more interesting. Let’s dive in shall we.
In early 2004 I began filming little home movies called the John T. Ray Experiance. It was a comedic “reality” show where I hunted down small town cryptids and legendary artifacts. In 2007 one of my friends pointed out how a number of people were getting famous off the new Youtube craze, what we now know as viral video. I was in the market for a new get rich quick scheme and this had it all. Movies, internet, small town adventure… it was a match made in heaven! So we started filming the JTR Experiance Minisodes. We had the characters and a defined JTR Experiance mythology. Filming began with just one minor thing missing… a story. We didn’t have a script either but who needs a script? Or story boards? Or any real direction? Certainly not anyone trying to come up with a Youtube miniseries with the intent of becoming rich and famous.
Fast forward a few months. We now had a direction and were moving at the speed of molasses in winter in that direction. So one fine summer day we had need to film a car chase sequence and a comedic sub-story where our criminals were chasing our good guys around in the woods. It was a big Sunday of shooting. And after church we really only had half a day so we got straight to it. I was filming and playing the part of a criminal. Then we had my brother, sister, half brother, four other friends, and half way through the shoot my cousin joined briefly. Anyway, we filmed the car chase on three different dirt roads around our small home town. The Cops (my sister Casey and friend Heather) were creating a diversion and being chased by criminals (Me, brother Charlie, and half brother Cory) who stole a car in order to chase them. The car belonged to Chris (Jeremy) whose girlfriend Carmen (Blair) drove by and they gave chase to the criminals. It was a three tiered chase. So cops chased by criminals chased by citizens. Fun stuff. Anyway at the end of the chase the villains get in front of the cops and cut off the road and the car chase becomes a foot chase into the woods where everyone gets separated and comedy ensues. Filming the end of the chase involved my mom’s big white Chevy stretched across the road to block the cops, all of them running off, and finally the third car pulling up and it’s occupants giving chase. Needless to say we had a road less traveled blocked off for several minutes without any real authority to do so. As such the road itself made the decision to send numerous cars and trucks our way where the occupants would see a big white truck and three young men with metal bats quickly moving out of their way. It seemed sketchy I’m sure but as we finished at the location I figured we had been successful.
On the way to the park where we would finish the day’s filming we passed two very real police cars, sirens blazing, speeding in the direction we had been. I can’t be sure but I have this funny feeling I knew where they were going. We arrived at the second location not really thinking anymore about the cops and began to film. Before we could even call action we heard the distant melodic siren of THE ICE CREAM TRUCK! So my siblings, friends, and I (all at the time in our mid-teens to early twenties) bolted up to the road dressed as cops and robbers to stop the ice-cream truck and the five cars following him up the hill for a good seven minutes. But hey I think I can justify my actions by saying… it was the Ice-cream truck!
So we continued filming joined half way through by my cousin Kim who was portraying a lost Atlanta criminalist and sister to my sister’s character. At the tail end of the shoot we were fast losing light and once all was done we hung out in the parking lot chatting in the late evening glow of the disappearing sun. Kim left to meet us back at home.
At this point our discussions hushed and ears strained as the harmonious tones of the ice-cream truck floated down the hill on his return trip. Why yes! Yes we did stop that glorious vehicle of edible heaven a second time. After all Kevin, Jeremy, and Blair had not gotten any ice-cream and the rest of us had worked up an appetite since the first time. So here we go skipping jovially in front of God and all creation across the road in front of cars to get our ice-cream. Whilst ordering I set the camera down on top of a brick structure that had all the street’s mail boxes in it. This will come back into play in a few moments. After getting our ice-cream and bounding back across the street on our life high we snacked, chatted, and decided to head home. At this point I realized the camera was missing and couldn’t remember where I had set it down. Before I could figure it out I noticed a police car with lights on pulling into the parking lot. We were in three cars and most of the crew had loaded up in to Blair and Casey’s car. Cory and I were in mom’s truck which the cop had parked behind blocking my exit.
Now you must understand we have been filming around town in crazy costumes for years at this point. It’s a small town anyway so yea… I’ve dealt with the cops a time or two. In a moment of over confident stupidity I took two steps toward the car. It was the middle of night and the cop was alone seeing me with loads of support. Not my best decision but I caught myself mid step and at the officers urging stepped back toward the truck. When he finally stepped out and struck a Q&A with me I discovered that the park closes after dark. I did not know that. The cop found out we were amateur film makers and that we had not been drinking. Once the second car showed up with lights on he asked all of us to step out of the car in order to question us in true small town cop style about our heinous wicked act of existing after dark in park land. Despite having two squad cars bearing down on us I wasn’t truly worried until they decided to search the cars. Perhaps I should explain. In Casey’s car were the metal bats we had used for the earlier scene, in Blair’s car was Jerry’s air soft gun and vest full of M80 firecrackers (his character was a bounty hunter), and in mom’s truck… she usually carries a very real hand gun in the truck and I didn’t know if it was there or not. Now things where getting dicey. What’s worse was when the officer’s flash light came to rest on the Alabama Department of Corrections patch on Casey’s home made police uniform… in case your confused, it’s not entirely legal to have that patch on your shirt despite the fact that I had in fact legally purchased the patch.
Luckily Casey got basically a slap on the wrist followed by a compliment on the World Wrestling Entertainment D-Generation X hoodies we were wearing as part our gangster outfits. After bonding over liking DX things started to relax a little. Apparently we had nothing worth getting hauled off in cuffs over in the cars. They told us they had been called about drunk kids running around at the park and that we had to skedaddle which we were willing to do except I still didn’t know where the camera was. After loading everyone back up it occurred to me that I had left it across the street. I hopped across the street to retrieve my equipment. The officer caught sight of me coming back across the street with the camera.
“So you were filming me, huh?”
I giggled, “Yea, you know.”
“It’s a good thing I didn’t beat you then I guess.”
I love cops with a sense of humor. After our close brush with the long arm of the law I called up Kim to regale her with the tale of what had transpired after she left. She laughed and I’m pretty sure shook her head a few times. It was then that she dropped some enlightenment on me. Why were the police called out? I don’t know. Turns out a bunch of teens and young adults skipping across the street, backing up traffic ten cars deep, and lining up for the ice-cream truck gives the impression to someone observing this giddy affair that some drunken antics may be taking place. Huh, who would’ve though?
Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
I remember that day well. The sunlight peeking through the changing autumn leaves had wrapped the old southern home in an amber glow. We were enjoying a quite pensive afternoon. As day turned to night my beautiful counterpart began to feel increasingly more lethargic. With the knowledge of the discomfort one would surely experience having slept on the couch the decision to retire to bed for the night was easily made.
These events were not in any way foreign to either of us. Every night for the past year I had made the pilgrimage to her house. Upon my arrival we would sit together, watch some TV, and chat about our day. The evening would inevitably end up in her bedroom. She would reluctantly sit up from the couch, pulling me up with her. She would rest her head on my shoulder for a moment before standing up and walking toward her room. I would sit on the couch for just a moment before following. She had no problem changing into her pajamas in front of him, but I still felt I should extend the offer of privacy. When finally I rounded the corner I would catch a glimpse of her pulling up those blue boy shorts with the lace trim she always slept in. I imagine my being treated to this sight was by design. I would slip off my boots and close the door. In keeping with our tradition, I was then to lay by her side and guide her contently into dreamland before making absolutely sure that the house was safely locked down for the night. I would wake up some time later and notice it was one or two o’clock in the morning. Although her mother loved me to death, I still couldn’t just stay over on a whim. So I would quietly start downstairs and out the door, locking it behind me.
On this night things were destined to go a little differently. She stood up and started the climb upstairs toward her room. I had a mission of my own to complete before joining her. Nature had been calling me for some time now and was getting more stubborn about me answering. So I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself.
As I was just finishing my business I happened to glance over my left shoulder. That’s when I saw it. There, clinging to the wall in all it’s deadly splendor and sickening elegance, was a cockroach. I calmly assessed the situation. This beast threatened the night’s tranquility. I couldn’t allow this monstrosity to continue to draw another breath.
I began to move slowly so as not to alert the bug to my plan. I finished peeing, gather myself, and grabbed at the toilet paper. After all there was no way I could touch this beast with my bare hands. It’s exoskeleton, as I have learned, contains a chemical that makes the bravest of people dive into a frantic frenzy of fright. With its victim thoroughly grossed it can then do the one horrible act that makes the cockroach a feared beast. It would… I shutter to think… crawl on me.
With the silence of an owl stalking a field mouse I carefully positioned myself to land the one critical blow that would render the bug incapacitated. Years of similar encounters had prepared me for this moment and I knew that the first blow was the most important. One misjudged move, one moment’s hesitation and the horrible creature could unleash a world of horrors on its unsuspecting attacker.
I made my swing but the beast was quicker than I expected. It darted below my shot. I remained calm and rapidly retracted my arm. As long as I kept my distance I could still stage a successful attack. The roach, sensing my prowess, ran for cover to regroup. It shot behind the towel rack for cover.
I couldn’t let the beast escape; the peaceful state of the home was hanging in the balance. I kept a weather eye on the rack incase it attempted to give me the slip. Carefully, I began pulling towels from the rack to obtain a better understanding of the terrain. The slippery critter had gained the advantage by seeking an area difficult for me to easily maneuver. If I didn’t keep my wits about me he could effortlessly utilize the deadly element of surprise to defeat me. Oh the horrors that would ensue if the heartless beast defeated me and then had his way with my lady and her mother. I could not let it come to this!
I emptied the towel rack and to my surprise the bug was not to be seen. Quite suddenly I became very anxious. The monster could be anywhere. My first thought was that it had fled under one of the two blue rugs in attempt to stage an assault from my rear. Pulling the closest rug up from the floor showed no sign of the beast. I promptly checked under the cloths hamper directly adjacent from the towel rack. Again my search was in vain. I was becoming more apprehensive. Every passing second became hours to my mind, as I knew the crafty beast could very well gain the upper hand in the tight quarters of this particular bathroom.
I scanned the entire room and even checked just outside the door in the kitchen. Nothing. I searched for a long time before my lady came down to find me. I decided it best not to cause her fright and didn’t mention the ordeal I had just undergone with the cockroach. I would have to keep both eyes open and hope that the beast didn’t show itself while I was away. I silently cursed the crafty creature and swore to return and slay the beast before the error of my assault became the demise of this house’s serenity.
One long week had transpired since that epic day when the monstrous beast had appeared to me. It burned inside my mind the way my defeat had, in theory, given it the run of the house. However for the duration of that week I heard not so much as a peep out of the bug. In the back of my mind I knew that all it would take for total chaos to ensue would be for she or her mom to catch a sight of the beast. With a new week coming around I put the bug totally to the back of my mind. On the Sunday after my first encounter is when the bug made its inevitable reappearance to exact his revenge for my assault on his wellbeing.
We sat unperturbedly on the couch once again seeing our nightly practices through. As luck would have it she resigned to a sleepy mood before actually becoming heavy-eyed. She progressed to the bathroom to do her nightly preparations for bed. I had finally settled my mind back to peace when a shrill cry of surprise met my ears. She bolted back into the living room with a look of complete horror plaguing her face. I knew that she had seen a bug, but somehow I could feel that it was the same monster I had dueled with a week earlier.
As I have mentioned women are a strong and capable sex. She was no less an able bodied warrior. However as I’ve also mentioned insects are women’s one weakness. When she grabbed a near by shoe as her weapon of choice I decided I had better follow her. Upon arrival in the bathroom I noticed that the bug was resting in the same place on the wall that I had first encountered it. She began to swing but the crafty critter escaped under her shot not unlike it had done during our bout the previous week.
I grabbed her arm and pulled out of the bathroom. Her mother was already asleep and by the pure grace of god the shrill shriek from before had not awoken her. I pointed out that the shoe would almost certainly ruin the wall as well as wake the sleeping matriarch to an enraging situation. I turned to face the restroom and cleared my mind for the fight to become.
With timid steps I made my way back into the lavatory. I reached for the toilet paper thus completely resetting the stage of last week’s epic skirmish. This time a definite victor would be decided.
I paused for a brief moment, drew in a last ragged breath, and struck. Like last time the beast darted for his safe haven behind the towel rack. My mind exploded with doubt and fear. The dastardly demon was going to execute the same evil plan that had aloud him to escape my grasp last time. I would not let it happen again!
Before he was good and hidden behind the rack my girlfriend and I had begun to strip the towels away. To my extreme dismay when the towels where cleared there was no sign of the bug. I shot a dismayed glance towards her. She and I both knew that the terror of the monstrous bug would continue. The beast would continually torture us with its gruesome display.
I believed we had failed in allowing our antagonizer to escape into nothingness. As I shot another look at my woman I realized I had misjudged my role in this affair from the very beginning. I had been blind to ever consider myself the cleverest being in this chase. The beast had years of evolutionary survival prowess on me.
When all hope appeared finally lost I was dealt one last card. I happened to catch sight of a shinny brown speck. The beast had been hiding just out of sight in a place I had happened to overlook. The sink was fixed atop a cabinet as in normal bathroom design. Rather it was supported by a hollow porcelain tube where hid the drains and other essential parts. At the base of the tube in the back was a notch where the brute had taken refuge.
I poked at the insect to lure it into the open. It wouldn’t comply with my wishes and ran in the other direction to the underside of the towel rack. I made a split second decision and put myself in the ultimate danger. Utilizing my limberness I threw my arm under the rack in the bug’s path. I was in direct danger of that one dangerous aspect that made this bug a danger. If my gambit failed I risked making naked contact with villainous creature. With my hand under the towel rack I would have nowhere to move and the bug would have free rein of my entire arm and possibly my torso and face. To my utmost surprise and utter bewilderment the beast was startled by my attempts to impede its progression and turned. It bolted in the other direction. A chance to end the oppressive rein of this atrocious creature had flickered back to life. When it came out from under the rack it must have decided that it was tired of running from me.
Finally it was just me and the beast, mono y mono. There was nothing between that vile creature and me but about four feet of bathroom floor rug. There came a frightened sigh from my lady as she realized my situation. The monster was making its way right toward me with no remorse or any sign of changing its course. Time began to slow as I waited for the right moment. I couldn’t afford another ill fated attack.
Finally I saw my opening and swung my arm with all my might to make the kill. It was a direct hit. However having lifted my hand too quickly the monstrous beast continued his tirade toward me, now confused and even more enraged. There was a surprised shriek from behind me as I came in with the second blow. I expected the swine to be dead under my grip this time. But when I lifted my hand and the beast came at me once more my hopes were dashed. This time I had to defeat him. If this shot didn’t kill the beast it would be on me and all would be lost.
I slammed my hand down on it once again and scanned the surrounding area for a way to destroy the beast. My eye landed on the toilet. I pinched my fingers down on the roach with a light crunch and hurled the paper containing the monster at the toilet. There was a giddy moment of silence as we hoped beyond hope that it would faithfully reach the bowl. As the wad of paper grazed the edge of the seat a single tiny leg made a final appearance from the mass of paper before disappearing into the water below.
I leapt forth and quickly flushed the beast away and with it all our fears. We sat there together and watched our nemesis drown, the swirling vortex pulling it into oblivion. She had grasped a hold of me after I fell away from the churning grave of our oppressor. She breathed a few heavy breaths before returning to a normal rhythm. Just before disappearing forever the writhing from beyond the sopping blob of toilet paper ceased as the diseased vermin seemed to benevolently accept it’s fate.
No measure of benevolence could atone for his sins in her eyes but within me it sparked a well earned degree respect. After all not for some time had her loving embrace held me tighter. As she leaned her head on my shoulder, weary with the nights deeds, I felt a warm glow and silently honored my fallen rival.
