As anyone who is following me on Twitter or is friends with me on facebook might know, my wife and I recently went to see the new Reese Witherspoon movie This Means War. To say the very very least it was funny and entertaining albeit a bit predictable in the very end on the romantic comedy side of things. No worries though, I give it two thumbs up. Go see it. If I may continue to travel down tangent lane, there was also a trailer worthy of mention. There I sat watching the coming attractions with gleeful delight when the name Ridley Scott flashed across the screen. My excitement jumped quite a bit. A score provided by Marc Streitenfeld that was eerily reminiscent of Jerry Goldsmith's score from Alien started my heart throbbing and the exhilaration increased as the title began to appear in the same way Alien did in 1979. Further images of the derelict ship from which the Alien came in the film I’ve by this time connected this trailer to had me practically quivering with anticipation. Any science fiction film fanatic, general movie enthusiast, or all around geek (like me) should check out the trailer for Prometheus the prequel to (but not directly connected to) Alien.
Now let’s get up on the ol’ Cinema Soap Box. Before the movie and my favorite trailer, yet another trailer popped up that at first seemed to have promise. It showed dramatically stylized exciting images of what appeared to be a civil war action film. Kati and I were both very intrigued. That is until the title of the film appeared. Abraham Lincoln (so far so good) Vampire Hunter (Ah, I knew there was a catch).
The title Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter seems as needy and as stretched for ideas of a concept as films like Snakes on a Plane. Needless to say my hope for a good stylized Civil War action film was let down. However I was intrigued enough to do some reading and found that the movie is based on a novel. Awesome, most of the truly terrible vampire stories are based on books… *cought* Twilight. What I didn’t say Twilight, it’s weird that you read that? It must have been that guy over there that said it.
Anywho, the story is an epistolary novel (written as a series of documents) about the secret diaries of our sixteenth President, Abraham Lincoln. It depicts the gripping and incredibly historically inaccurate tale of how Lincoln’s grandfather and mother were killed by vampires and how he vowed to seek revenge on all vampires! I must apologize… my disappointment from the trailer has caused my suspention of disbelief to become quite un-willful. Moving on so Lincoln seeks revenge on the vampire that killed his loved ones and later is trained as a wrestler and vampire slayer by a good vampire. I’ll bet this good vampire sparkled in the sunlight too. *sigh*
So apparently as a young adult he witnessed his first slave auction and became an abolitionist. But wait! It had nothing to do with a farsighted, morally righteous decision to emancipate slaves nor did it have anything to do with him being pushed by black abolitionists and radical republicans to listen to his better angels. Oh no! He decided get behind the movement to end slavery because as long as vampires could buy slaves to feast on vampirism would continue to exist in the US. What a guy. So, the Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator began his political career whilst moonlighting as Buffy the Reputation Slayer. Later on Edgar Allan Poe shows up with the oh so helpful news that vampires are leaving Europe in droves and flocking to America in masses, why, because of the slave trade…ya know... because slavery didn’t exist anywhere else in the world at the time. Poe is later killed by a vampire.
This may be easier if I hit a few footnotes. So Stephen A. Douglas (of the Lincoln-Douglas debates) was backed by confederate vampires. Lincoln becomes President and the civil war begins. Apparently all vampires are confederates or all southerners are vampires (can’t figure that part out). The Emancipation Proclamation was meant to starve the vampires of their slave buffet. The war ends and the confederate vampires or all southerners run off to South America either to suck blood or party in Rio. John Wilkes Booth was a vampire (come on like we didn’t see that coming by this point). Apparently the confederate vampires who recently lost the war thanks to Lincoln shunned Booth for the assassination because apparently they had already discovered Barrow, Alaska and left this novel to be a part of a different book (Yay you’re a geek too if you got that reference). Also Willie Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, Elvis, Michael Jackson, and the dinosaurs were all killed by vampires.
In the end Lincoln attends Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous “I have a Dream Speech” in 1963. Apparently he was turned vampire and by extension immortal (after being rigidly opposed to the idea) by his vampire friend and trainer, Henry. So the story ends with the “Willing to Flip Flop on his Morals Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator” running off to Forks, Washington and fighting with a werewolf over an abnormally overconfident world weary sixteen year old girl who he eventually takes as a wife despite the vampire code that forbids it.
Sadly none of that was in the trailer. Probably why I initially thought it might be a good film. My recommendation… stay at home and watch Nosferatu, Dracula, 30 Days of Night, and Dracula Dead and Loving it. After that forget vampire movies exist and you’ll live a long happy life.
Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
Who likes getting into trouble? I know I do! And there are so many ways of doing it. Some involve live alligators in convenient stores and others involve TP-ing a lime green VW Bug. The question you may be asking yourself is what the gosh darned heck does “drunken ice-cream cops” mean? I bet me starting with the question of who likes getting into (key word) trouble probably makes things all the more interesting. Let’s dive in shall we.
In early 2004 I began filming little home movies called the John T. Ray Experiance. It was a comedic “reality” show where I hunted down small town cryptids and legendary artifacts. In 2007 one of my friends pointed out how a number of people were getting famous off the new Youtube craze, what we now know as viral video. I was in the market for a new get rich quick scheme and this had it all. Movies, internet, small town adventure… it was a match made in heaven! So we started filming the JTR Experiance Minisodes. We had the characters and a defined JTR Experiance mythology. Filming began with just one minor thing missing… a story. We didn’t have a script either but who needs a script? Or story boards? Or any real direction? Certainly not anyone trying to come up with a Youtube miniseries with the intent of becoming rich and famous.
Fast forward a few months. We now had a direction and were moving at the speed of molasses in winter in that direction. So one fine summer day we had need to film a car chase sequence and a comedic sub-story where our criminals were chasing our good guys around in the woods. It was a big Sunday of shooting. And after church we really only had half a day so we got straight to it. I was filming and playing the part of a criminal. Then we had my brother, sister, half brother, four other friends, and half way through the shoot my cousin joined briefly. Anyway, we filmed the car chase on three different dirt roads around our small home town. The Cops (my sister Casey and friend Heather) were creating a diversion and being chased by criminals (Me, brother Charlie, and half brother Cory) who stole a car in order to chase them. The car belonged to Chris (Jeremy) whose girlfriend Carmen (Blair) drove by and they gave chase to the criminals. It was a three tiered chase. So cops chased by criminals chased by citizens. Fun stuff. Anyway at the end of the chase the villains get in front of the cops and cut off the road and the car chase becomes a foot chase into the woods where everyone gets separated and comedy ensues. Filming the end of the chase involved my mom’s big white Chevy stretched across the road to block the cops, all of them running off, and finally the third car pulling up and it’s occupants giving chase. Needless to say we had a road less traveled blocked off for several minutes without any real authority to do so. As such the road itself made the decision to send numerous cars and trucks our way where the occupants would see a big white truck and three young men with metal bats quickly moving out of their way. It seemed sketchy I’m sure but as we finished at the location I figured we had been successful.
On the way to the park where we would finish the day’s filming we passed two very real police cars, sirens blazing, speeding in the direction we had been. I can’t be sure but I have this funny feeling I knew where they were going. We arrived at the second location not really thinking anymore about the cops and began to film. Before we could even call action we heard the distant melodic siren of THE ICE CREAM TRUCK! So my siblings, friends, and I (all at the time in our mid-teens to early twenties) bolted up to the road dressed as cops and robbers to stop the ice-cream truck and the five cars following him up the hill for a good seven minutes. But hey I think I can justify my actions by saying… it was the Ice-cream truck!
So we continued filming joined half way through by my cousin Kim who was portraying a lost Atlanta criminalist and sister to my sister’s character. At the tail end of the shoot we were fast losing light and once all was done we hung out in the parking lot chatting in the late evening glow of the disappearing sun. Kim left to meet us back at home.
At this point our discussions hushed and ears strained as the harmonious tones of the ice-cream truck floated down the hill on his return trip. Why yes! Yes we did stop that glorious vehicle of edible heaven a second time. After all Kevin, Jeremy, and Blair had not gotten any ice-cream and the rest of us had worked up an appetite since the first time. So here we go skipping jovially in front of God and all creation across the road in front of cars to get our ice-cream. Whilst ordering I set the camera down on top of a brick structure that had all the street’s mail boxes in it. This will come back into play in a few moments. After getting our ice-cream and bounding back across the street on our life high we snacked, chatted, and decided to head home. At this point I realized the camera was missing and couldn’t remember where I had set it down. Before I could figure it out I noticed a police car with lights on pulling into the parking lot. We were in three cars and most of the crew had loaded up in to Blair and Casey’s car. Cory and I were in mom’s truck which the cop had parked behind blocking my exit.
Now you must understand we have been filming around town in crazy costumes for years at this point. It’s a small town anyway so yea… I’ve dealt with the cops a time or two. In a moment of over confident stupidity I took two steps toward the car. It was the middle of night and the cop was alone seeing me with loads of support. Not my best decision but I caught myself mid step and at the officers urging stepped back toward the truck. When he finally stepped out and struck a Q&A with me I discovered that the park closes after dark. I did not know that. The cop found out we were amateur film makers and that we had not been drinking. Once the second car showed up with lights on he asked all of us to step out of the car in order to question us in true small town cop style about our heinous wicked act of existing after dark in park land. Despite having two squad cars bearing down on us I wasn’t truly worried until they decided to search the cars. Perhaps I should explain. In Casey’s car were the metal bats we had used for the earlier scene, in Blair’s car was Jerry’s air soft gun and vest full of M80 firecrackers (his character was a bounty hunter), and in mom’s truck… she usually carries a very real hand gun in the truck and I didn’t know if it was there or not. Now things where getting dicey. What’s worse was when the officer’s flash light came to rest on the Alabama Department of Corrections patch on Casey’s home made police uniform… in case your confused, it’s not entirely legal to have that patch on your shirt despite the fact that I had in fact legally purchased the patch.
Luckily Casey got basically a slap on the wrist followed by a compliment on the World Wrestling Entertainment D-Generation X hoodies we were wearing as part our gangster outfits. After bonding over liking DX things started to relax a little. Apparently we had nothing worth getting hauled off in cuffs over in the cars. They told us they had been called about drunk kids running around at the park and that we had to skedaddle which we were willing to do except I still didn’t know where the camera was. After loading everyone back up it occurred to me that I had left it across the street. I hopped across the street to retrieve my equipment. The officer caught sight of me coming back across the street with the camera.
“So you were filming me, huh?”
I giggled, “Yea, you know.”
“It’s a good thing I didn’t beat you then I guess.”
I love cops with a sense of humor. After our close brush with the long arm of the law I called up Kim to regale her with the tale of what had transpired after she left. She laughed and I’m pretty sure shook her head a few times. It was then that she dropped some enlightenment on me. Why were the police called out? I don’t know. Turns out a bunch of teens and young adults skipping across the street, backing up traffic ten cars deep, and lining up for the ice-cream truck gives the impression to someone observing this giddy affair that some drunken antics may be taking place. Huh, who would’ve though?
Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
