As anyone who is following me on Twitter or is friends with me on facebook might know, my wife and I recently went to see the new Reese Witherspoon movie This Means War. To say the very very least it was funny and entertaining albeit a bit predictable in the very end on the romantic comedy side of things. No worries though, I give it two thumbs up. Go see it. If I may continue to travel down tangent lane, there was also a trailer worthy of mention. There I sat watching the coming attractions with gleeful delight when the name Ridley Scott flashed across the screen. My excitement jumped quite a bit. A score provided by Marc Streitenfeld that was eerily reminiscent of Jerry Goldsmith's score from Alien started my heart throbbing and the exhilaration increased as the title began to appear in the same way Alien did in 1979. Further images of the derelict ship from which the Alien came in the film I’ve by this time connected this trailer to had me practically quivering with anticipation. Any science fiction film fanatic, general movie enthusiast, or all around geek (like me) should check out the trailer for Prometheus the prequel to (but not directly connected to) Alien.
Now let’s get up on the ol’ Cinema Soap Box. Before the movie and my favorite trailer, yet another trailer popped up that at first seemed to have promise. It showed dramatically stylized exciting images of what appeared to be a civil war action film. Kati and I were both very intrigued. That is until the title of the film appeared. Abraham Lincoln (so far so good) Vampire Hunter (Ah, I knew there was a catch).
The title Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter seems as needy and as stretched for ideas of a concept as films like Snakes on a Plane. Needless to say my hope for a good stylized Civil War action film was let down. However I was intrigued enough to do some reading and found that the movie is based on a novel. Awesome, most of the truly terrible vampire stories are based on books… *cought* Twilight. What I didn’t say Twilight, it’s weird that you read that? It must have been that guy over there that said it.
Anywho, the story is an epistolary novel (written as a series of documents) about the secret diaries of our sixteenth President, Abraham Lincoln. It depicts the gripping and incredibly historically inaccurate tale of how Lincoln’s grandfather and mother were killed by vampires and how he vowed to seek revenge on all vampires! I must apologize… my disappointment from the trailer has caused my suspention of disbelief to become quite un-willful. Moving on so Lincoln seeks revenge on the vampire that killed his loved ones and later is trained as a wrestler and vampire slayer by a good vampire. I’ll bet this good vampire sparkled in the sunlight too. *sigh*
So apparently as a young adult he witnessed his first slave auction and became an abolitionist. But wait! It had nothing to do with a farsighted, morally righteous decision to emancipate slaves nor did it have anything to do with him being pushed by black abolitionists and radical republicans to listen to his better angels. Oh no! He decided get behind the movement to end slavery because as long as vampires could buy slaves to feast on vampirism would continue to exist in the US. What a guy. So, the Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator began his political career whilst moonlighting as Buffy the Reputation Slayer. Later on Edgar Allan Poe shows up with the oh so helpful news that vampires are leaving Europe in droves and flocking to America in masses, why, because of the slave trade…ya know... because slavery didn’t exist anywhere else in the world at the time. Poe is later killed by a vampire.
This may be easier if I hit a few footnotes. So Stephen A. Douglas (of the Lincoln-Douglas debates) was backed by confederate vampires. Lincoln becomes President and the civil war begins. Apparently all vampires are confederates or all southerners are vampires (can’t figure that part out). The Emancipation Proclamation was meant to starve the vampires of their slave buffet. The war ends and the confederate vampires or all southerners run off to South America either to suck blood or party in Rio. John Wilkes Booth was a vampire (come on like we didn’t see that coming by this point). Apparently the confederate vampires who recently lost the war thanks to Lincoln shunned Booth for the assassination because apparently they had already discovered Barrow, Alaska and left this novel to be a part of a different book (Yay you’re a geek too if you got that reference). Also Willie Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, Elvis, Michael Jackson, and the dinosaurs were all killed by vampires.
In the end Lincoln attends Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous “I have a Dream Speech” in 1963. Apparently he was turned vampire and by extension immortal (after being rigidly opposed to the idea) by his vampire friend and trainer, Henry. So the story ends with the “Willing to Flip Flop on his Morals Great Slayer and Coincidental Emancipator” running off to Forks, Washington and fighting with a werewolf over an abnormally overconfident world weary sixteen year old girl who he eventually takes as a wife despite the vampire code that forbids it.
Sadly none of that was in the trailer. Probably why I initially thought it might be a good film. My recommendation… stay at home and watch Nosferatu, Dracula, 30 Days of Night, and Dracula Dead and Loving it. After that forget vampire movies exist and you’ll live a long happy life.
Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
Who likes getting into trouble? I know I do! And there are so many ways of doing it. Some involve live alligators in convenient stores and others involve TP-ing a lime green VW Bug. The question you may be asking yourself is what the gosh darned heck does “drunken ice-cream cops” mean? I bet me starting with the question of who likes getting into (key word) trouble probably makes things all the more interesting. Let’s dive in shall we.
In early 2004 I began filming little home movies called the John T. Ray Experiance. It was a comedic “reality” show where I hunted down small town cryptids and legendary artifacts. In 2007 one of my friends pointed out how a number of people were getting famous off the new Youtube craze, what we now know as viral video. I was in the market for a new get rich quick scheme and this had it all. Movies, internet, small town adventure… it was a match made in heaven! So we started filming the JTR Experiance Minisodes. We had the characters and a defined JTR Experiance mythology. Filming began with just one minor thing missing… a story. We didn’t have a script either but who needs a script? Or story boards? Or any real direction? Certainly not anyone trying to come up with a Youtube miniseries with the intent of becoming rich and famous.
Fast forward a few months. We now had a direction and were moving at the speed of molasses in winter in that direction. So one fine summer day we had need to film a car chase sequence and a comedic sub-story where our criminals were chasing our good guys around in the woods. It was a big Sunday of shooting. And after church we really only had half a day so we got straight to it. I was filming and playing the part of a criminal. Then we had my brother, sister, half brother, four other friends, and half way through the shoot my cousin joined briefly. Anyway, we filmed the car chase on three different dirt roads around our small home town. The Cops (my sister Casey and friend Heather) were creating a diversion and being chased by criminals (Me, brother Charlie, and half brother Cory) who stole a car in order to chase them. The car belonged to Chris (Jeremy) whose girlfriend Carmen (Blair) drove by and they gave chase to the criminals. It was a three tiered chase. So cops chased by criminals chased by citizens. Fun stuff. Anyway at the end of the chase the villains get in front of the cops and cut off the road and the car chase becomes a foot chase into the woods where everyone gets separated and comedy ensues. Filming the end of the chase involved my mom’s big white Chevy stretched across the road to block the cops, all of them running off, and finally the third car pulling up and it’s occupants giving chase. Needless to say we had a road less traveled blocked off for several minutes without any real authority to do so. As such the road itself made the decision to send numerous cars and trucks our way where the occupants would see a big white truck and three young men with metal bats quickly moving out of their way. It seemed sketchy I’m sure but as we finished at the location I figured we had been successful.
On the way to the park where we would finish the day’s filming we passed two very real police cars, sirens blazing, speeding in the direction we had been. I can’t be sure but I have this funny feeling I knew where they were going. We arrived at the second location not really thinking anymore about the cops and began to film. Before we could even call action we heard the distant melodic siren of THE ICE CREAM TRUCK! So my siblings, friends, and I (all at the time in our mid-teens to early twenties) bolted up to the road dressed as cops and robbers to stop the ice-cream truck and the five cars following him up the hill for a good seven minutes. But hey I think I can justify my actions by saying… it was the Ice-cream truck!
So we continued filming joined half way through by my cousin Kim who was portraying a lost Atlanta criminalist and sister to my sister’s character. At the tail end of the shoot we were fast losing light and once all was done we hung out in the parking lot chatting in the late evening glow of the disappearing sun. Kim left to meet us back at home.
At this point our discussions hushed and ears strained as the harmonious tones of the ice-cream truck floated down the hill on his return trip. Why yes! Yes we did stop that glorious vehicle of edible heaven a second time. After all Kevin, Jeremy, and Blair had not gotten any ice-cream and the rest of us had worked up an appetite since the first time. So here we go skipping jovially in front of God and all creation across the road in front of cars to get our ice-cream. Whilst ordering I set the camera down on top of a brick structure that had all the street’s mail boxes in it. This will come back into play in a few moments. After getting our ice-cream and bounding back across the street on our life high we snacked, chatted, and decided to head home. At this point I realized the camera was missing and couldn’t remember where I had set it down. Before I could figure it out I noticed a police car with lights on pulling into the parking lot. We were in three cars and most of the crew had loaded up in to Blair and Casey’s car. Cory and I were in mom’s truck which the cop had parked behind blocking my exit.
Now you must understand we have been filming around town in crazy costumes for years at this point. It’s a small town anyway so yea… I’ve dealt with the cops a time or two. In a moment of over confident stupidity I took two steps toward the car. It was the middle of night and the cop was alone seeing me with loads of support. Not my best decision but I caught myself mid step and at the officers urging stepped back toward the truck. When he finally stepped out and struck a Q&A with me I discovered that the park closes after dark. I did not know that. The cop found out we were amateur film makers and that we had not been drinking. Once the second car showed up with lights on he asked all of us to step out of the car in order to question us in true small town cop style about our heinous wicked act of existing after dark in park land. Despite having two squad cars bearing down on us I wasn’t truly worried until they decided to search the cars. Perhaps I should explain. In Casey’s car were the metal bats we had used for the earlier scene, in Blair’s car was Jerry’s air soft gun and vest full of M80 firecrackers (his character was a bounty hunter), and in mom’s truck… she usually carries a very real hand gun in the truck and I didn’t know if it was there or not. Now things where getting dicey. What’s worse was when the officer’s flash light came to rest on the Alabama Department of Corrections patch on Casey’s home made police uniform… in case your confused, it’s not entirely legal to have that patch on your shirt despite the fact that I had in fact legally purchased the patch.
Luckily Casey got basically a slap on the wrist followed by a compliment on the World Wrestling Entertainment D-Generation X hoodies we were wearing as part our gangster outfits. After bonding over liking DX things started to relax a little. Apparently we had nothing worth getting hauled off in cuffs over in the cars. They told us they had been called about drunk kids running around at the park and that we had to skedaddle which we were willing to do except I still didn’t know where the camera was. After loading everyone back up it occurred to me that I had left it across the street. I hopped across the street to retrieve my equipment. The officer caught sight of me coming back across the street with the camera.
“So you were filming me, huh?”
I giggled, “Yea, you know.”
“It’s a good thing I didn’t beat you then I guess.”
I love cops with a sense of humor. After our close brush with the long arm of the law I called up Kim to regale her with the tale of what had transpired after she left. She laughed and I’m pretty sure shook her head a few times. It was then that she dropped some enlightenment on me. Why were the police called out? I don’t know. Turns out a bunch of teens and young adults skipping across the street, backing up traffic ten cars deep, and lining up for the ice-cream truck gives the impression to someone observing this giddy affair that some drunken antics may be taking place. Huh, who would’ve though?
Live, Laugh, and Love folks!
Join me next time when somethin’ else is gonna happen!
I remember that day well. The sunlight peeking through the changing autumn leaves had wrapped the old southern home in an amber glow. We were enjoying a quite pensive afternoon. As day turned to night my beautiful counterpart began to feel increasingly more lethargic. With the knowledge of the discomfort one would surely experience having slept on the couch the decision to retire to bed for the night was easily made.
These events were not in any way foreign to either of us. Every night for the past year I had made the pilgrimage to her house. Upon my arrival we would sit together, watch some TV, and chat about our day. The evening would inevitably end up in her bedroom. She would reluctantly sit up from the couch, pulling me up with her. She would rest her head on my shoulder for a moment before standing up and walking toward her room. I would sit on the couch for just a moment before following. She had no problem changing into her pajamas in front of him, but I still felt I should extend the offer of privacy. When finally I rounded the corner I would catch a glimpse of her pulling up those blue boy shorts with the lace trim she always slept in. I imagine my being treated to this sight was by design. I would slip off my boots and close the door. In keeping with our tradition, I was then to lay by her side and guide her contently into dreamland before making absolutely sure that the house was safely locked down for the night. I would wake up some time later and notice it was one or two o’clock in the morning. Although her mother loved me to death, I still couldn’t just stay over on a whim. So I would quietly start downstairs and out the door, locking it behind me.
On this night things were destined to go a little differently. She stood up and started the climb upstairs toward her room. I had a mission of my own to complete before joining her. Nature had been calling me for some time now and was getting more stubborn about me answering. So I made my way to the bathroom to relieve myself.
As I was just finishing my business I happened to glance over my left shoulder. That’s when I saw it. There, clinging to the wall in all it’s deadly splendor and sickening elegance, was a cockroach. I calmly assessed the situation. This beast threatened the night’s tranquility. I couldn’t allow this monstrosity to continue to draw another breath.
I began to move slowly so as not to alert the bug to my plan. I finished peeing, gather myself, and grabbed at the toilet paper. After all there was no way I could touch this beast with my bare hands. It’s exoskeleton, as I have learned, contains a chemical that makes the bravest of people dive into a frantic frenzy of fright. With its victim thoroughly grossed it can then do the one horrible act that makes the cockroach a feared beast. It would… I shutter to think… crawl on me.
With the silence of an owl stalking a field mouse I carefully positioned myself to land the one critical blow that would render the bug incapacitated. Years of similar encounters had prepared me for this moment and I knew that the first blow was the most important. One misjudged move, one moment’s hesitation and the horrible creature could unleash a world of horrors on its unsuspecting attacker.
I made my swing but the beast was quicker than I expected. It darted below my shot. I remained calm and rapidly retracted my arm. As long as I kept my distance I could still stage a successful attack. The roach, sensing my prowess, ran for cover to regroup. It shot behind the towel rack for cover.
I couldn’t let the beast escape; the peaceful state of the home was hanging in the balance. I kept a weather eye on the rack incase it attempted to give me the slip. Carefully, I began pulling towels from the rack to obtain a better understanding of the terrain. The slippery critter had gained the advantage by seeking an area difficult for me to easily maneuver. If I didn’t keep my wits about me he could effortlessly utilize the deadly element of surprise to defeat me. Oh the horrors that would ensue if the heartless beast defeated me and then had his way with my lady and her mother. I could not let it come to this!
I emptied the towel rack and to my surprise the bug was not to be seen. Quite suddenly I became very anxious. The monster could be anywhere. My first thought was that it had fled under one of the two blue rugs in attempt to stage an assault from my rear. Pulling the closest rug up from the floor showed no sign of the beast. I promptly checked under the cloths hamper directly adjacent from the towel rack. Again my search was in vain. I was becoming more apprehensive. Every passing second became hours to my mind, as I knew the crafty beast could very well gain the upper hand in the tight quarters of this particular bathroom.
I scanned the entire room and even checked just outside the door in the kitchen. Nothing. I searched for a long time before my lady came down to find me. I decided it best not to cause her fright and didn’t mention the ordeal I had just undergone with the cockroach. I would have to keep both eyes open and hope that the beast didn’t show itself while I was away. I silently cursed the crafty creature and swore to return and slay the beast before the error of my assault became the demise of this house’s serenity.
One long week had transpired since that epic day when the monstrous beast had appeared to me. It burned inside my mind the way my defeat had, in theory, given it the run of the house. However for the duration of that week I heard not so much as a peep out of the bug. In the back of my mind I knew that all it would take for total chaos to ensue would be for she or her mom to catch a sight of the beast. With a new week coming around I put the bug totally to the back of my mind. On the Sunday after my first encounter is when the bug made its inevitable reappearance to exact his revenge for my assault on his wellbeing.
We sat unperturbedly on the couch once again seeing our nightly practices through. As luck would have it she resigned to a sleepy mood before actually becoming heavy-eyed. She progressed to the bathroom to do her nightly preparations for bed. I had finally settled my mind back to peace when a shrill cry of surprise met my ears. She bolted back into the living room with a look of complete horror plaguing her face. I knew that she had seen a bug, but somehow I could feel that it was the same monster I had dueled with a week earlier.
As I have mentioned women are a strong and capable sex. She was no less an able bodied warrior. However as I’ve also mentioned insects are women’s one weakness. When she grabbed a near by shoe as her weapon of choice I decided I had better follow her. Upon arrival in the bathroom I noticed that the bug was resting in the same place on the wall that I had first encountered it. She began to swing but the crafty critter escaped under her shot not unlike it had done during our bout the previous week.
I grabbed her arm and pulled out of the bathroom. Her mother was already asleep and by the pure grace of god the shrill shriek from before had not awoken her. I pointed out that the shoe would almost certainly ruin the wall as well as wake the sleeping matriarch to an enraging situation. I turned to face the restroom and cleared my mind for the fight to become.
With timid steps I made my way back into the lavatory. I reached for the toilet paper thus completely resetting the stage of last week’s epic skirmish. This time a definite victor would be decided.
I paused for a brief moment, drew in a last ragged breath, and struck. Like last time the beast darted for his safe haven behind the towel rack. My mind exploded with doubt and fear. The dastardly demon was going to execute the same evil plan that had aloud him to escape my grasp last time. I would not let it happen again!
Before he was good and hidden behind the rack my girlfriend and I had begun to strip the towels away. To my extreme dismay when the towels where cleared there was no sign of the bug. I shot a dismayed glance towards her. She and I both knew that the terror of the monstrous bug would continue. The beast would continually torture us with its gruesome display.
I believed we had failed in allowing our antagonizer to escape into nothingness. As I shot another look at my woman I realized I had misjudged my role in this affair from the very beginning. I had been blind to ever consider myself the cleverest being in this chase. The beast had years of evolutionary survival prowess on me.
When all hope appeared finally lost I was dealt one last card. I happened to catch sight of a shinny brown speck. The beast had been hiding just out of sight in a place I had happened to overlook. The sink was fixed atop a cabinet as in normal bathroom design. Rather it was supported by a hollow porcelain tube where hid the drains and other essential parts. At the base of the tube in the back was a notch where the brute had taken refuge.
I poked at the insect to lure it into the open. It wouldn’t comply with my wishes and ran in the other direction to the underside of the towel rack. I made a split second decision and put myself in the ultimate danger. Utilizing my limberness I threw my arm under the rack in the bug’s path. I was in direct danger of that one dangerous aspect that made this bug a danger. If my gambit failed I risked making naked contact with villainous creature. With my hand under the towel rack I would have nowhere to move and the bug would have free rein of my entire arm and possibly my torso and face. To my utmost surprise and utter bewilderment the beast was startled by my attempts to impede its progression and turned. It bolted in the other direction. A chance to end the oppressive rein of this atrocious creature had flickered back to life. When it came out from under the rack it must have decided that it was tired of running from me.
Finally it was just me and the beast, mono y mono. There was nothing between that vile creature and me but about four feet of bathroom floor rug. There came a frightened sigh from my lady as she realized my situation. The monster was making its way right toward me with no remorse or any sign of changing its course. Time began to slow as I waited for the right moment. I couldn’t afford another ill fated attack.
Finally I saw my opening and swung my arm with all my might to make the kill. It was a direct hit. However having lifted my hand too quickly the monstrous beast continued his tirade toward me, now confused and even more enraged. There was a surprised shriek from behind me as I came in with the second blow. I expected the swine to be dead under my grip this time. But when I lifted my hand and the beast came at me once more my hopes were dashed. This time I had to defeat him. If this shot didn’t kill the beast it would be on me and all would be lost.
I slammed my hand down on it once again and scanned the surrounding area for a way to destroy the beast. My eye landed on the toilet. I pinched my fingers down on the roach with a light crunch and hurled the paper containing the monster at the toilet. There was a giddy moment of silence as we hoped beyond hope that it would faithfully reach the bowl. As the wad of paper grazed the edge of the seat a single tiny leg made a final appearance from the mass of paper before disappearing into the water below.
I leapt forth and quickly flushed the beast away and with it all our fears. We sat there together and watched our nemesis drown, the swirling vortex pulling it into oblivion. She had grasped a hold of me after I fell away from the churning grave of our oppressor. She breathed a few heavy breaths before returning to a normal rhythm. Just before disappearing forever the writhing from beyond the sopping blob of toilet paper ceased as the diseased vermin seemed to benevolently accept it’s fate.
No measure of benevolence could atone for his sins in her eyes but within me it sparked a well earned degree respect. After all not for some time had her loving embrace held me tighter. As she leaned her head on my shoulder, weary with the nights deeds, I felt a warm glow and silently honored my fallen rival.
